Reflections of a songbird
by ishxallxgood
Summary: A short oneshot revealing Reira's *current* (non flashback) thoughts on her relationship with Takumi. Please R&R


I found this in my google drive today, and it made me miss NANA all that much more. This is Reira's *current* reflection on her relationship with Takumi. I hope you like it. Even if you don't like her character due to well... her character I hope you give this a chance. :3

I do not own NANA. If I did it would be finished... D;

* * *

She had once been told that when you're in love, even when it was too painful to bare, as long as love was there, then it was always a good thing. For the longest time, she never understood those words, it always seemed so preposterous to her. Love was supposed to be this amazing and brilliant force, love was what was supposed to be the thing that kept her going, not tear her apart and break her soul. How could it be a good thing to hurt this much, it just never made any sense to her, but now, it seemed like Ren had the right idea all along. It destroyed her to know that she would never have the chance to tell him that, that after all these years, the memory of his life and his death still washed up upon the banks of her mind, that the sands of time could never corrode away the guilt and pain. But she wasn't thinking about Ren now, as she sat upon the cold stone bench in a tucked away park deep within the city of London, all she could think about was Takumi.

A very long time ago, on a snowy winter night she had asked him what it was exactly that she was to him, he never answered her then, and to this day the question would still gnaw at her mind from time to time. It had become evident to her that she was no good to him as a sister, for one they did not share the same blood, but beyond that, she had destroyed that pretense the day she discarded her pride. Yet at the same time, she knew she was no good to him as a lover, for one they only ever did it once, and two days later she reprimanded him for giving into her foolish desires against his better judgement and begged for things to go back to the way they were. But even if they did revert back to the school kids of yesteryear she still would not know her place. The only things she ever was good to him as was as a songstress, but ever since that snowy night in March of 2002, she found that she could no longer be good to him, not even as a singer, for somewhere drifting along in the snowy skies of Hokkaido her song remained, dancing along to an enchanted melody of a guitar strum lost to this world.

As per the norm, these frivolous thoughts of him always brought her back to that one night, that one night that fulfilled yet destroyed her soul's desire. Unfortunately it was nothing like how she had dreamed it would be, or rather, it was exactly how she imagined it would be. He was sweet and passionate, he ignited her senses, he showed her a side of herself she had never known, yet he could not make her forget, he could not absolve her loneliness, and despite the proximity of their bodies, she could still feel that imaginary force of his that always held her at bay. He did not allow himself to fall under her spell, it was evident to her that despite it all, he was still able to separate the woman from the act. In short, she had literally become one of his many lovers, just another notch on his belt. Not that she had really expected anything more, but she had convinced herself that his embrace was exactly what she needed to survive, that if he just held her and kissed her, caressed her and whispered those endearing words to her, she would be able to forget all of her sorrows, that she would finally receive his love unabridged. It was a silly pipe dream, a ridiculous notion, that through such a simple act he would finally be able to see her as a woman, as something more than just his precious little songbird, the fragile little sister he kept locked in a cage. If only that had been true, if only that one singular act could truly mend her broken heart, but she knew it was a farce, and deep down she knew that he too had known that too.

Yet despite all her pain, and all her shattered dreams, she could not really say that she regretted it. True, it may not have been that glorious moment she was hoping for. True, she wanted things to go back to the way they were before, but in a strange and twisted way, despite all the pain and torment, it was exactly what she needed. It had given her a sort of clarity she never would have known had she not taken that step. In a way that one passionate, pleasurable yet unbearably painful night revealed to her things about their relationship that she never would have believed to be true. It dawned upon her that that one singular act, was the epitome of their relationship. They have given each other everything and nothing at the same time. Their relationship was built upon a series of highs and lows, of passionate love and agonizing loneliness, of grand dreams and shattered realities. No, she could not really call that night a mistake, it would be like calling their entire relationship a mistake, and she knew, deep down inside, that there was no mistake about their relationship. There were no mistakes when it came to him, and despite how painfully alone she felt at times, she knew that in the end, he would always be by her side.

True, he could be cold, and unbearably irritating, but he was hers, and no woman, no man, not even a wife and children could take that away from her. In the beginning she was convinced that he had only loved her for her voice, that the only reason he remained by her side was because she sang, and that if she had ever stopped, he would simply vanish right before her eyes, but the years told a different story and in the end she could finally feel the truth in his words. He had meant it when he told her that he would never let her be alone, that no matter where she went, she would always have him, and although she was glad that he had always kept his word, there were times when she wished he would simply disappear from her life forever. Yet when those moments came, she found herself clinging to him all the more desperately, in a futile attempt to not be swept away in the undertow. It was in those moments that she could feel his arms around her keeping her head afloat. No, he would never leave her side, he needed her just as much as she needed him, and she could see it in his eyes. They lived for each other, yet at the same time, she knew he would never allow her to his. It was a strange thing, his world, full of paradoxes and simple solutions, confusion and clarity, yet as long as she was part of it, as long as the uncertain waves kept her afloat, she was content; even though she never really knew where she belonged.

Nowadays it no longer terrified her, that thought that she did not belong in his world; for in a way she had grown to become the very embodiment of his world. In the end, it did not matter if she no longer knew what it was she was good to him as, because she had finally come to understand that even though she did not have a title role in his soiled and turbulent world, she would always be his sanctuary, and for that, she would always be more precious to him than anyone else.


End file.
